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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.