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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I feel attacked.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…