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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
when there are deer in the woods
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.