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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”