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Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Never be a pizza!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car