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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I missed you with all my darts
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
This is me
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by