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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.