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[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
this is the greatest thing ever
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.