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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden