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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”