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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
definitely did not do anything wrong
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure