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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.