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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
live long and prosper!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?