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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?