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Every BBC series about the universe.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.