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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Bruh PLEASE
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
😅😅😅
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes