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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.