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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.