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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Windchimes
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
mechanics be like
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.