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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.