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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit