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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[eats all your cotton candy]
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.