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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
That lamp looks PISSED.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog