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Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”