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It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”