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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.