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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
🔦🌙👣
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?