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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Stick it to the man
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.