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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
This January has 47 Mondays