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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Received some very disappointing news today
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.