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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Morning my dudes.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.