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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
LOL
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.