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Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .