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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.