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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave