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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.