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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
the clam before the storm
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”