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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.