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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The cycle continues
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
set yourself free xox
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
What have I done to deserve this oh yeah
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.