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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
guys I’m going home
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
mariah carrie
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense