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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I don’t think my car can fly
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.