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ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Meow
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.