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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Wednesday
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.