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3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
My apartment is a mess, I should move
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
wtf is an acronym
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”