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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.