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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
let’s discuss
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
murder on the timeline
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise