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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
He’s dead
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
You have been warned.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My safe word is Worcestershire
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?