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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .