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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
who will stop them
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.