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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
🗽
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet