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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what