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Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan