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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
what the
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
A small tragedy.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
