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Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
lmao😭🤣
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
what does he know…
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
2022 will be better than 2021
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.