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People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
ok so i鈥檓 watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it鈥檚 cause they鈥檙e not at home.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?