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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??