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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs