You Might Also Like
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Swedish for common sense.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Split the bill
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap