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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.