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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
😭😭
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser