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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced