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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Lmao
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.