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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
this FaceApp is creepy af
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
He just like my cat fr
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!