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the red hot silly peppers
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
only 11 steps left
In space, no one can hear…
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.