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Happy Star Wars day!
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.