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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
buys donuts instead
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
It’s an epidemic…
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
grandpa was shocked
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do