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Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”