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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
*seductively eats two tums*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
i wonder why they stopped looking
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.