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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.