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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Animal poetry
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).