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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Good dog. ❤️
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?