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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
marvel comics have peaked
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.