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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.