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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Oh the world we live in…
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
