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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
classic mixup
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me