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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white