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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Jesus Christ lmao
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*