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[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Bit chilly again tonight.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*