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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.