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When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
This probably isn’t good
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned