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I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me too 😆
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right