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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.