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@LindaInDisguise

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

@samdunsiger

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

@trevso_electric

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@BradBroaddus

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

@thenatewolf

Cop: are you on drugs?

Me: no of course not

Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you

@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@MenHumor

Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.