Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
❤️🦆
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Just me?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.