Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.
Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Cop: are you on drugs?
Me: no of course not
Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur