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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
