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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
2023 was just a warmup
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.