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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
they should create new variants of dopamine
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes